There are so many reasons I shouldn't write this and yet so many reasons I should. There are others out there who have been in my position. Some haven't had the opportunity to own this for as long as I have. Some have had the resolution happen in a short time. Some haven't ever lived to see it resolved. I have friends and family that fall into those categories and I hurt along with them. In no way do I make light of something that isn't light.
Here I am though in my own unique situation. I'm about to face yet another day in particular that has the potential to be the beginning of the literal end of my life. It's not today or tomorrow, but it's within the next two weeks. The exact date is my own personal secret. I keep it that way because I don't want anyone else to have the power to make it into anything more than I am willing to let it be. This is a mentality that I've been able to reform and develop over the past 15 years. There have been other days exactly as this one. I've had 4 such days in the past 2 years. They are getting closer and closer together, which is a little scary if I want to let it be, but they are still mine to decide who I share it with and who I don't. I told my own dad only last week that this issue is back and has been. Then I politely asked him to change the subject. He's seen family members he loved not make it and I know it worries him to see me face it, but still, if anything what I'd want him to learn from me is that it really doesn't define me and I won't let it. If anything, we should all have the ability to see "life" from this perspective. I can guarantee we'd view life differently as a society if we all saw it from this vantage point.
I have cancer. Then I don't. Then I do. I see a specialist every 6 months to monitor me. I don't totally understand it except that one of these days it won't be something to just "watch" anymore. One of these days it's going to be punt position time. I really don't want to understand it. I honestly don't care about big words and terms. If there's something I can do, then great. If not, don't confuse me with terminology that totally escapes anyone without 18 years of education. I got the news 6 months ago that the cells are back. I go in within the next 2 weeks to see if they continued to grow or if they mysteriously receded again. No one I've met in the medical field can tell me where this comes from, what causes it to happen to me or why it can't be stopped. No one can define it. I've had things pulled out of me that medical science can't actually name or explain in relation to this. The Mayo clinic hasn't ever seen something like what my surgeon sent in 9 years ago right before my son was born. So I guess if I have nothing else, at least I have uniqueness. And that's something at least.
Since I was 16 years old, I've never had the security of knowing I still had a lifetime to accomplish what I wanted to. I can't rely on the adage of "I'll perfect that attitude someday". I have to be ok with who I am TODAY. I've been faced with looking at my life as "what I wish I had accomplished" more than once, more than twice. I'm sitting on that precipice again. Have I done enough? Nope. Still nope. Even though I've had fair warning I still haven't done it.
I'm not criticizing myself by saying that. I've done some, but I don't think it's ever something that is "over". I don't think anyone can honestly ever say they've done enough and it's time to do no more. What I find interesting is people who try to think about "what would I do?" Tim McGraw does a decent job of posing the question. Live Like You Were Dying. Why don't we? If you were potentially given a "date" what would you do? What's important?
I've built a life that I can give to things that are important to me. I've managed over the past few years to do things I am proud of. Sure, I've still done stupid things I'm not proud of, but I've also made a difference. Not to many people I'm sure, but to a few and who's to say those few are any less important than a "many"? I've found the mitten given as a last gift to a child before his mom died. That's important.
We only get one time around. That time may end tomorrow or it may go on for a very long time. None of us should bank on the tomorrow though. I've gotten more enjoyment out of life not worrying about what people think of me or what tomorrow brings for me than anything. These times when it gets thrown right in my face make me way more aware of what I haven't done. I'm lucky my husband understands this to some degree, or at least accepts it. I don't play the game that most play. I'm not in this life to impress anyone. I'm not here to try to convince anyone that I'm somehow worthy of their respect. I'm just me and that's good enough. This time - I'm ready.
Sunday, February 22, 2009
The blog I shouldn't write - my memory
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This was a powerful post and obviously a very big part of your life. I think the statement you made about not letting your situation of what "might be" or "could be" define you is a great attitude to have, as long as that is indeed what you do and not just stuff it and don't deal with it. This is what I do from time to time. I realize that so many times, we focus on the negatives, we forget to count our blessings. I think it also makes you a stronger person to deal with the "might be's". Hold you head high and remember to count the blessings you do have and the differences you have made.
ReplyDeleteRemember that everyone deals with turmoil differently and maybe your husband has to deal with it his way. It probably does not mean that he will not be there for you, it may be a factor of not wanting to accept the "might be's". I do not know either of you, but I do know that it is easier to turn your back to a situation rather than deal with the emoitional stress and pain that it may cause. This is a time where you need each other the most. Again, hold your head high. You will be in my thoughts and prayers.